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Open to Misinterpretation
This Mirror Reflects a Lie
pregnancy week by week
2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
Dear Friends,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our socks don't match. I think I realized it when I tripped on peanut butter, in your car and I saw you sit on the elephant in the corner.
I'm sure you're melancholy enough to understand that you need to shave your eyebrows.
I'm returning your car to you, but I'll keep your left ear and right shoe as a memory.
You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and our friendship is ruined.

Go Milk A Cow,
Bite My Ass
Staying up til 4am watching ice hockey and joking about hedgehogs
Comfortable sleep
The house at Ninian Road
The ability to drink vodka like a fish, keep partying all night, have the hangover and still get through the next day ready to do it all again
Primula cheese sauce with shrimp flavour on tiny ritz cheese biscuits
Belonging, with everyone else that doesn't belong
3 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
: sneezes :
Bite My Ass
Eat more sausages.

I feel this will be greatly aided by purchase of more sausages, or visiting of 'Sausage pubs', ie: pubs which serve a variety of sausages.

This week I have pork and apple sausages.

Alternatively, I could rename all food items as sausages, and then everything I eat will be sausages. I have however been informed that renaming of things needs approval from a mystical sausage government, whose existance I am not aware of.
2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass

Essay is done, residents consultation is done, big tidy up day is done, and funding bid is done.

That only leaves four more days of hard toil before I'm off to travel the world :D

: goes to pack :
1 Purple Bruise / Bite My Ass
After a weekend of elvish behaviour, monday seems a bit drab. Coupled with extreme chilliness in the office, which makes me want to go home and curl up in front of a fire. (although that could prove to be quite dangerous, given that we don't have a fireplace...)

Maybe will go home and eat the vast quantity of flying saucers left over from the weekend, to induce a sugar high and then extreme fidgeting, thus stimulating warmth.

I love flying saucers, so simple yet so tasty.

And I'm Feeeeeelin': cold cold

Bite My Ass
There is a really loud helicopter outside my window. I find that rather alarming.
Bite My Ass
I have realised that Local Government really IS repressed.
2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
Arrived home last night after a weekend of visiting my family - my cousin just got engaged and therefore partying ensued (the first of all us cousins to succumb to the marriage and kids thing, cue relatives pouncing on me and informing me that 'surely I am next', as I am the oldest of all the cousins...) and whilst fiddling around in my coat attempting to locate my house keys, I was treated to the witnessing of a loud bitching exchange between my housemates, who obviously did not realise I was outside.

It basically centred around the fact that I have a pair of shoes in the front room, and I have not cleaned the cat tray or done any other household cleaning this weekend.

Now, I was under no illusion that such bitchings do not go on whilst I am not present, but this one irritated me for several reasons.

1. I was away all weekend, and therefore had not yet had the chance to clean out the cat tray, which is normally done on sundays.

2. Neither, obviously, had I been there do any other form of cleaning. Interestingly, the complainants themselves had also done no cleaning, and in fact the bathroom floor was covered in hair clippings and goo.

3. Had my housemate's cat not been a crazy, howling, pissing on the sofas and my bed, and crapping on my leather armchair type of animal, it would not have been necessary to put an additional cat tray downstairs on friday in an attempt to stop the aforementioned random pissing.

4. Had this not have happened, then the communal cat tray would have continued to be a shared responsibility, and therefore my housemate should have cleaned it, it being her week to do so.

5. The cat owning housemate has never in 6 months cleaned anything in the house EXCEPT the cat tray, usually after protracted hinting and reminders on my part.

6. The cat owning housemate has also, for the last six months, left a pair of shoes behind the armchair in the front room, thus leading me to wonder why I cannot also leave a pair of shoes in the front room for a short while.

I therefore conclude that the bitching was entirely ridiculous and I am justified in feeling just a bit ANNOYED.

This is not to say that I am the perfect housemate. I know that I have left a packet of digestive biscuits on the side for a while now, thinking that I *will* find a use for them and never actually coming up with one. But then, they weren't bitching about that, were they :p

And I'm Feeeeeelin': annoyed annoyed

Bite My Ass
Tonight I am going to a sausage evening.

And yes, I do mean real sausages, there is no innuendo involved. Apparently the pub I am going to does giant yorkshire puddings with a variety of tasty sausages available to eat with them.

I quite like sausages, when they're tasty ones, so I'm kind of looking forward to it :)

(the scary part is that I'm meeting a group of people I've never met before to partake in this sausage event, so its kind of a *bit* like going to university for the first time and trying to make friends in halls. At least this time, I'll have at least one guaranteed topic of conversation though, (other than eek I'm in a hall full of strange people and so are you...) and although I cant claim to know a huge amount about sausages I should at least be able to manage a few sentences on the subject).
3 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass

Solution: Visit Asda, acquire Ben and Jerry's.
2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
I wish work would have a colourful hat day. I really think the office would look much more cheery with everyone wearing hats. At the moment all you can see over the tops of the desk partition is half of people's heads. Or, you could tape inflatable animals to everyone's heads and when they move around it will look like the animals are dancing :D

Went to try and get Thai this lunchtime and failed miserably, as they only start serving from 6pm. Had a Wetherspoons breaded plaice and chips instead, which was actually very nice although contained no coconut milk, chilli's, or galangal. Probably for the best, I think that might taste quite wierd.

And tonight - off into town to hear a band. I hope there is a fiddle. For some reason that made me immediately think of ants, I have no idea why. Not in an invading your house, eating all the sugar and parading around the bath way, but a fun ant party with ant dancing and singing (probably quite squeaky singing). I suspect I am now probably giving this far too much thought, back to the thinking of bands...

And I'm Feeeeeelin': blah blah

3 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
I can tell how warm the office is by how saggy the helium balloons three desks away are. At the moment they are looking quite perky so I know that it is uncommonly warm.

Its nearly the weekend, which is always a good thing. I'll be off to the Dogs for a final night of races before its evilly turned into shoeboxes for rent. Hopefully Mystical Sloth will be there, he is my favourite.

And on Sunday, its the Itsu party, and I get to wear a hat again.

Plus (hurrah) saying goodbye to everyone - finally handing in my notice was wierd but SO good. No more free sushi, no more free krispy cremes, instead a life of slothful evenings and invovlement in TV programme series' that I don't even really like. Incidentally, I will not be acting like a REAL sloth, as I've been reliably informed that they stick to trees by weeing on their hands. I do not wee on my hands, nor do I wish to stick to trees. (Unless they are those Mr Kipling trees that grow angel cake slices, that might be nice. But I'd stick myself with icing or something, not wee).

And I'm Feeeeeelin': blah blah

Bite My Ass
In the last week:

1/ Your job needs to be advertised internally before we can do shortlisting and decide if you will, in fact be made redundant in three weeks - the closing date will be this friday.

Since there has been no advert for my job as yet and its now thursday night, I very much doubt the closing date will, in fact, be tomorrow.

2/ This injection will not make your arm feel at all wierd or painful

So how come I cant lift it above shoulder height and it hurts like hell?

On the plus side, my new car is great, Simon and Lizzie's wedding was very nice, and its nearly the weekend :D

And I'm Feeeeeelin': full full

Bite My Ass
My shredder is broken, I think its had a disagreement with a staple.

My car is broken, it keeps somehow losing all its coolant, in a mysterious non-leaking way. Also the stereo keeps telling me it is SAFE, which actually means broken.

And quite possibly my little toe is broken, since I managed to bend it backwards earlier very painfully.

Other than that most things are intact, that I know of. Now to choose between chinese, pork, or something else. Possibly to do with instant mash, although I dont have any and am splendidly bad at making it, so probably not.
1 Purple Bruise / Bite My Ass
Meringue or bubble wrap? Which is better? Both are quite airy, meringue I should think tastes nicer, but bubble wrap makes better noises when squashed.
2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass



2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
I rode my bike for the first time in a while, on saturday. It was an interesting experience, culminating in legs that felt like they may wobble off to a location several metres from my body at any moment, and the inevitable 'saddle bum' ache. Strangely though I felt very energised and went to purchase some turf.

Following that, I managed to headbut the towel rail in the bathroom.

So an eventful saturday, all told.
Bite My Ass
If this week was a heart monitor, it would be flatlining.

I feel like a robot, and not a particularly intelligent one at that, maybe one of those automatic floor vacuums. (Except if I was, the carpets in my house might at least be a bit fluff free).

I have gone to work, I have come home. I have sat, and watched, and slept and then gone to work again. I ate food because it was something to do and then thought about rhubarb crumble with cream but could not get the motivation to acquire some (good for my wallet and waistline at least). I wondered if there was a track in supermariokart with gophers in it, that was about the extent of my creative thinking.

Going to Budapest was great though, maybe the thermal baths have not only calmed my knees but also affected my mind?

And I'm Feeeeeelin': blah blah

Bite My Ass
Having been concussed, tis nice to now have the world back in focus, even if that focus can at times be beneficial for being a bit blurred.

The focussed world is currently particularly nice, being that its toasty warm. I do so love toast, and warmth, especially with honey (a local variety of which I sourced from my weekend trip with L to the deep dark depths of South Wales). I wonder what bees feel about such things. Warmth, and toast, I mean, not honey - anyone who's seen Bee Movie will know their thoughts on that. If I were a bee, I wouldnt much like toast, and warmth - well I imagine bumble bees probably get a bit hot in their furry coats. Is the coating of bees classed as fur? Hmm.

Just finished writing a statement of my greatness. Now to hope that others recognise the greatness too, and don't just end up with a headache after looking at the explosion of words on the page.

In other news, I watched Black Sheep last night - my first Blu Ray, viewed through my new, pink, unscratched glasses!

And I'm Feeeeeelin': giddy giddy

2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
If rain was snails, then there would be hundreds of snails sliding down my office window right now.

And they'd be pretty fast snails too.
2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
The sun is shining and the grass is green...well for the next hour or so, anyway. But NOT SO in Valencia. Tomorrow, the prediction for Valencia is SUN SUN SUN and 28 degrees. Which is handy for me, cos that is where I am going. Down with grey miserable London weather, even if it is interspersed with odd random bright bits.

Currently trying to figure out what I need to take with me, careful planning being of the essence as I refuse to pay the ridiculous price of £18 to check in luggage (ok, not ridiculous in the general scheme of things but considering my return flight was only £20, it is) and therefore only have a small hand luggage sized bag to fit things in. One day I will invent a 'flight jacket' - with a million different sized pockets which can cunningly be crammed full of stuff without giving you the appearance of a lumpy michelin man. Although, I suspect by then they may have introduced a maximum clothing allowance, as well.

Anyway, Kate is making pork pie so I'm off to investigate it. I've never made a pork pie, always thought of it as something that just miraculously appears, fully ready to eat. Probably if I made one it would have raspberry jelly, instead of that normal jelly that pork pies have. But then it might taste just a little bit odd.

And I'm Feeeeeelin': contemplative contemplative

2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
I feel I should be angry. People keep telling me I should be. Some say I should be at home.
I do not, however, feel angry. Just a strange sense of calm, combined with a want for some kind of welsh rarebit thing. (Its bread, with onions and cheese and little bits of salmon, I think also some egg and small tomatoes and maybe something else as well, and all toasted).

Hmm, maybe cottage cheese.

Why is it cottage cheese anyway? Was there once some archaic law that said in a cottage you may only eat small lumps of soft cheese, mild cheddar is NOT allowed and DEFINITELY


Anyway. Thats my anger for you. Damn those cheese limiting fiends.

And I'm Feeeeeelin': blah blah

5 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
Damn my washing machine is loud. The noise of the drum sounds like some kind of crazy march and the whirring noise its making is reminiscent of a couple of helicopters keeping vigil over the house. Or maybe, whilst I was having a sneaky bite of ben and jerrys whilst I wait for my washing to be finished, someone has actually declared a state of martial law, and some kind of crazy army is actually about to storm the house as I type.
Normally, if this were to happen, the cats would miaow at me and warn me, but Heather just fed them some chicken so they're both lying on the floor looking a bit like they could burst at any second. (Not that martial law and storming of my house HAS ever happened, to my knowledge, but if it did, I do imagine the cats acting as sentinels and aiding my escape...)
Bite My Ass
Its quite windy today. House cats experiencing the wind are funny. Being that there is no wind aside from that which is artificially created inside houses (and I'm not a huge follower of fans, being one of those people who feels actually quite cold even in 30 degree heat) I can see how the sensation of wind through fur can be quite an alarming experience.

The wind today has blown the gazebo which my south african housemates set up so they could barbecue in the rain over the fence and into next doors garden. I had just got out of the bath when this occurred and so was not in a particularly good state to go and rescue it. Following this, I looked out of the window and the gazebo was nowhere to be seen - its actually travelled through three gardens now and looks to be well on its way to the last house by the end of the afternoon. I should imagine the occupants will be rather surprised when they notice the strange new addition to their garden. And the south africans will probably be rather annoyed - but luckily its not raining and i think they'd be better of with a windshield for barbecuing today...
2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
Assessment centre = done
Brain = Fried
Number of words left to do for essay = 700
Time left until starting second job = 2 hours
Prognosis = NOT GOOD.
Bite My Ass
Which always happens around this time, ie: the time that I have an essay due in. Even better, I also have an assessment centre tomorrow as part of the reapplication process for my job (damn restructures - the penalty of working for the public sector). So thats double the procrastination!

So far I have eaten an entire bag of jellybabies, done my washing, bleached the kitchen, used my laser pointer to entertain the cat SO MUCH that he's now lying on the floor twitching (ok, slight exaggeration, but he did just headbut the window trying to catch a pigeon) and browsed the entire online IKEA catalogue in an attempt to avoid the inevitable.

And the crazy thing is, I'm actually interested in what I'm meant to be writing about. And I DO kind of want to keep my job...so RARRARRAAAAAAAAAAAAA head STOP PROCRASTINATING and GET ON WITH IT
2 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass
The bus outside says RESPECT
Bite My Ass
I had this crazy dream about a bread machine. It kept making bread, more and more and more, until the whole house was surrounded by bread. Bread was jamming the doorways, and bread was carpeting the floor. Even my cats were sick of bread, literally, since they'd been nibbling it. There was wholemeal bread, white bread, granary bread, and multigrain bread. There may even have been some ciabattas and foccacia's in there! Now, had this not been a dream, I may have considered opening a bakery, but instead, I chose to wake up and contemplate the possible problems which could be caused by owning such a machine.

I conclude that I should not. Although, I did see that they can also make jam. And I DO like jam...I'll wait and see if I have jammy dreams tonight.
7 Purple Bruises / Bite My Ass